loss

{It still seems a little surreal that this is now a chapter in our story.} 

We were thrilled to find out in March (on my 30th birthday!) that we were expecting baby # 3. Of course, we instantly started processing and dreaming of what life would be like come October. Three little ones!

Between 10-11 weeks into my uneventful pregnancy, I started bleeding and after 2 days on bed rest, on a Sunday evening, the bleeding intensified and we scrambled to get to the ER. While at the ER I "actively miscarried" our third little one.

After an evening in the ER with ultrasounds, doctors, fluids (for a lot of blood loss in a little amount of time,) we walked out around midnight with a "good and healthy" report, but trying to process the turn of events and the loss of the baby we would no longer raise.

Liz passed along this (Inheritance of Tears: Trusting the Lord of Life when Death Visits the Womb) book the next day, and y'all it is so good and has been so encouraging. I would recommend it if you've experienced miscarriage, or if you haven't.

We've been learning and processing a lot over the past month. Tears have been shed, perspectives change, the Lord is faithful.  This makes us look forward to a day where death is no more! Here are a couple quotes from the book that encouraged me... 

 "Death experienced within the womb is a direct result of sin. While Christ's death on the cross has paid the penalty for our sin once and for all, we still eagerly await the day when our Savior will return and do away with the horrible consequences of sin forever... Oh, how we long for his return! In that day our suffering will be eclipsed by the glories of eternal life in Christ Jesus, and our physical bodies will no longer be subjected to decay and brokenness." p. 24

"This is a good gift from God. It allows us to gain perspective on this life. Our lives on this Earth are a mist, appearing and then all too quickly vanishing. The good and joyful gifts of grace that we partake of in this fleeting life, as well as the trials and sorrows we encounter, will be instantly overshadowed by the coming joy that awaits us for all of eternity... Painful trials like miscarriage are a means by which God can effectively direct our gaze toward our eternal future with Him." p. 81

It has surprised me how many women have said "I've experienced miscarriage too". It makes me sad that this seems to be a group of women who often grieve and process alone. 

Community is so beautiful. Even though this issue is one of such a personal nature (maybe why people shy away from sharing their loss?), We've been so blessed by our friends, family and church walking it with us and reaching out to encourage us. We've had friends love us so well. Praying for us, asking how we are doing, texting us to check in... oh what a blessing!

As we've processed through emotions, the overwhelming emotion is thankfulness. How amazing that we can trust in the Lord's good providence in the midst of sadness!? The Lord has been so gracious to allow a peace that can only come from Him. His presence has been very real.

So much to be thankful for!

-Less than 24 hours before, Chad was in India and I was road tripping by myself with the boys back to Clemson.

-A husband who took over and served me and our boys, as I had to be lying down. It is hard with little ones not to get up and help do stuff.

-Friends who show up in minutes (having no idea what is going on) to take care of our boys so we can rush to the hospital.

-A peace, while sitting on blood soaked towels in the ER, that can only come from Him.

-Not having to have a D&C and my body healing quickly.

-Women at church who stop me in passing and say "I heard what happened. I'm sorry. I've been there too."

-2 healthy little boys that keep me busy, laughing, and my arms full. 

Isn't it funny how a song will randomly pop in your head? Well, this old Mercy Me song for some reason has been on repeat in my head (and apparently out loud too... I heard Grayson singing the lyrics I seem to be repeating). I really love the words to it. 

bring me joy, bring me peace, 

bring the chance to be free

bring me anything that brings you glory

and I know there'll be days, 

when this life brings me pain, 

but if that's what it takes to praise you, 

Jesus, bring the rain.

Praise Him that we can grieve with hope. That our loss can be for HIS glory. Come, Lord Jesus!

sweet time + the last days

Y'all. We are in the last days of being a family of three. And while we are thrilled to add another little boy to our family and know it will be great, it's also a little sad to me... it's the end of an era! (Friends fans??) 

Here are some pictures of our little family of 3 over the past few months... 

 Chad doesn't have quite the same emotions/bittersweetness as I have about change. But it's been so special to watch the relationship between Grayson and him. He is a great Daddy! Here is a picture of one of our favorite things to do... visiting Daddy's office and helping him do work.

I really do think Grayson is going to be a GREAT big brother and I think he really is excited about the new baby. But it also makes me sad to think the time we have together will never be the same. This is normal, right?  I know he won't remember the days where it was just "me and mommy", and although we have hard moments, we really have the sweetest days together and I love my time with him. 

I feel so, so thankful to be working my dream job and blessed that the Lord has entrusted these precious little lives to Chad and I. Come on baby brother... bring on having two sweet little boys to spend my days with!

roller coaster

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions (specifically Thursday-Saturday, June 26-28) Lots to be thankful for, lots to take to our Heavenly Father, lots of tears... Now let me start off by saying I know we are so, so very blessed. And these things are nothing compared to what some are dealing with. 

We are thrilled that we were able to buy a house in Clemson. So thrilled! It needs some love though and we thought we were going to be able to have a whole month before Honduras to work on it. But because of loan issues (does our lifestyle over the past few years seem unreliable to you? ;) we weren't able to close until the end of June. Which gave us a little over a week to take on some large projects.

excitement. exhaustion. 

We also were thrilled to find out we were expecting baby #2. I went to a routine appt the week before we were supposed to leave and they said they wanted to see me back for some follow-up stuff right before we left. At the follow-up appt they saw some things that concerned them and asked if I could get to the high risk doctor before we left. Less than 24 hours before we were supposed to fly out, Chad and I are sitting in the high risk doctors office where they are advising me not to go. The doctor (who we had never met) prayed over us, and said things like "maybe this is spiritual warfare and Satan trying to keep you from going". 

joy. fear. concern. thankfulness.

My aunt and uncle were in Clemson for a few days to visit, help with Grayson, and help with house stuff. They were able to stay with us and love on us an extra day while we went to Greenville to the high risk doctor.

thankfulness 

Grayson had had a cold and started running a fever 2 days before we left. We took him to the doctor where they told us it was just a virus. He woke up on fire the two mornings before we were supposed to leave with almost a 105 fever. Multiple doctors advised us not to fly with a feverish child. 

fear

A few men stepped in and said "we want to help with the house stuff over the summer" Seriously, some we hardly know. Saying things like "I just want to serve you" and "don't worry about this".  Chad and I have been amazed by the body of Christ and are learning so much about selfless servanthood. 

undeserving. thankfulness. amazement. 

We went back and forth, back and forth about whether I should go or not. We sought other peoples opinions, talked to several doctors and ultimately decided that I would go even with it being considered risky since we would be working with Dr. Pirkle (an OBGYN) in Honduras. But then Grayson's fever spiked again and we made the call not to go based on him. (Saturday when we were supposed to fly was his worst day. Y'all, he was miserable and pitiful)

disappointment. guilt. 

Then the hard part came saying goodbye and missing Chad for 5 weeks. There was a lot of disappointment on my end too about not getting to serve and lead the Honduras team alongside him. I'd really been looking forward to it. 

sadness. disappointment.

So Grayson and I are jumping around a bit for 5-6 weeks until we all settle in Clemson in August. So, so thankful for family and friends who take us in, love and spoil us, and make us feel so at home. A big plus is we will get to go on my family beach trip where almost all of my first cousins will be there (this never happens). 

unsettled. thankful. blessed. 

And poor G hasn't been able to catch a break health wise. His poor immune system. The boy runs some crazy high fevers and with his febrile seizure last summer, that's always a little scary to me... especially when Chad isn't here. Then right after we got to Durham he broke out in the craziest, ugliest rash (I'll spare you the pictures) and spent another pitiful few days with another virus and fever. This one brought on arthritis and pain in his joints and he had trouble walking because of the pain in his ankles. whew! I'm so thankful he's healthy now!

fear. concern. thankfulness. 

Family, friends and church members have loved and served us so well during this time. It was a lot to learn and decide in about 24 hours. We've been so blessed as we process all of these emotions and crazy weeks. I'm constantly amazed at the Lord's provision and faithfulness in our life. Oh how he loves us. 

I'll leave you with G's cute little mugshot passport picture :) I guess we'll have to wait to get his first stamp in his passport.